My Granddad

Funny how someone else can post something and that will bring a memory to mind.
Kelly did just this with his hilarious story on what happens when you eat a few burritos! His farts reminded me of my Granddad. He's been gone for over a decade but every now and then, someone says something or talks about something that brings his face so clearly back to me.

He wasn't a handsome man. He was grossly overweight (6'4" 320lbs) and had a booming, gravely voice caused from too many cigarettes. He had a great sense of humor and warm brown eyes that danced with merriment on more than a few occasions.

His favorite saying was "pull my finger". It didn't matter who was at the house, he would rip the biggest, loudest fart that anyone could imagine. When the Engineer and I first met, this was one of  my granddad's greeting. He didn't care.

He'd scare the great grands with his false teeth and tickle them until they were so wound up that my grandmother would scream "RICHARD!! STOP!!" Did he stop? Oh hell no...he'd just keep on until they got bored or their mothers would round them up and away from him.

He'd tell  ghost stories, then take us to the grave yard behind the house to check it out. He'd take all the neighborhood kids. Didn't matter who they belonged to, if they wanted to go with us, they went. He'd let out a yelp, every single time we went, that would have us kids all running like the wind back to the house......scared shitless!

 He worked hard and owned his own construction business. He was prejudice and didn't mind saying what was on his mind. Most of his workers were black and Granddad being from the deep south  called them what I never will.

  I'm sure it was the times that kept his workers from revolting. I do know that he helped his workers. He was generous. He'd give the shirt off his back saying that it would all come back to him 2 fold. When he died, they came around and told stories. One gentleman told us, with tears in his eyes, what Granddad had done for him and his family. Evidently, Granddad had purchased his house when he was about to lose it and personally financed it for him. In his will he gave the house to the gentleman - free and clear.

He loved to tell stories. One of his favorites was about when he was on the police force. It goes something like this.....

He was on duty and the sign outside a restaurant said it was serving his favorite soup. When he entered there was a partition separating the booths from the waitresses in the back. A waitress greeted him by hollering over to him...."Hello, I'll be right there."  He hollered back  "I just want soup and coffee." She came around the partition and to Granddad's surprise, so he said, she was topless. As she bent down to place the soup and coffee on the table, one titty slid into the soup the other into his coffee.  He gives this great big grin...so pleased with the story that he has just told a impressionable teenage girl.

 Sometimes you could only stare, opened mouth in disbelief and I hear Grandma screaming...."RICHARD!! STOP!!"

He liked loved titties. Yes, folks, he was a titty man! There was no doubt about his love for them. I don't know how many times my grandmother would walk by and we'd catch him tweaking her a bit. Sometimes we wouldn't see but hear the slap she always gave him each time he tweaked.
It was no wonder she was a 36 extra long!

He use to tell us stories of his mother having a papoose and he'd ride in the back and how she'd throw her titty over her shoulder so he could have a  drink. There was always some talk about one being vanilla and one being chocolate. I never questioned this impossibility...I just stared at Mammy in awe.

When I had my young boys and they became aware......he'd tell them about the next door neighbor. She was a big busted woman, an elderly woman.....He'd make his brown eyes as big as possible and say,  "Now you'd better watch out for Mrs. Palmer. She loves to hug little boys and she'll put you between her titties. Just be careful, you might get stuck in there." and then he'd grab them before they took off out the door and whisper, "one is chocolate and the other is vanilla."

We'd go over to visit and Mrs. Palmer could never figure out (until much later when I told her what Granddad had done) why the boys were a little shy with her. They were very careful not to get too close!!

The best of Granddad's titty sayings is the one I can never forget..........

"A lady is a woman who can take her left titty and throw it over her right shoulder and squirt buttermilk down the crack of her ass"

I'm ever so thankful I'll NEVER be a lady!