I've often wondered about people holding secrets. I can remember when Clyde was diagnosed with rapid cycling bipolar disorder; the doctor asked me if there was anyone in the family that had experienced depression. I told them that my older son was always depressed. The psychologist asked if there was alcoholism in the family. I said "yes sireee, yes indeedy." He asked if anyone had a thyroid problem. I told him not that I knew of . As it turns out, when most people having bipolar disorder track the family history they find a common ground with these 3 things.
I remember calling mom later that day and asking her questions about the family. I asked if there had been any depression or mental illnesses in the family. She said no one was ever diagnosed but then she relayed all sorts of information about my dad's side of the family. For instance, my Uncle Jerry had been admitted to a Psych Unit after dangling his, now ex wife, out the 3rd floor window of their apartment. Then the story was told of my Uncle Vannie who spent time in Chattahoochee State Mental Hospital
after going into DTs. She didn't relay any information about her family.I didn't even ask about my dad's family and drinking. We all knew that my dad's mom and dad were alcoholic and so were all 3 of his brothers. My dad and his sister were the only 2 in the family who were able to drink sensibly. I knew my mom had had a drinking problem in her younger years.My sister and I had our fair share of drinking episodes too. (Little did I know that my brother and my oldest son would soon have their own drinking problems) When I asked about my mom's side of the family, she just said that her dad had drank in his early years.
I questioned her about thyroid problems and no one had any problems as far as she knew (later both my sister and mom were diagnosed with hypothyroidism, completing the "3")
The Engineer's mom and I would have all sorts of discussions about depression and alcohol use. The Engineer's paternal great grandfather had committed suicide. There was no "alcohol abuse" noted in his family. There were no mental illnesses beside what the great grandfather may have had.
Several years later my mom's brother committed suicide. I asked my mom if she had any idea that he was depressed. She told me about his attempts at suicide and his alcoholism in prior years. He had been in a sever state of depression since his wife had died (at this time I don't remember how long she had been dead before his tragic death).
I asked her why she never told me when I first asked and she said, "I didn't want to air the family's dirty laundry." She didn't mind airing dad's but she wasn't going to tell her family's secrets.
So now we are in the present day and I have no problems telling anyone anything about my family.My philosophy is: the more who know the more likely you'll be informed if they see something. Example: If I
My older grand girls have been raised to
I think it comes down to a matter of trust for the girls. Can they trust me with the information they are giving me? What am I going to do with the information when I find out?
If you cover your eyes do things not exist? If you cover your ears is there really no scream?
Are family secrets kept because of embarrassment or are they kept because of fear?
That was the mantra in our household when I was growing up... you "hide" your problems and pretend they aren't there. Although my dad's alcoholism was pretty much out there for anyone to see, so most the relatives and friends drifted away eventually.
ReplyDeleteMy sister, who I am estranged from, still denies my father was an alcoholic... just like my mother did. She also pretends there is no reason for her to have found a condom in her husband's wallet... laughing off his dismissal because she doesn't want to know the truth. I wanted to tell my sister that the ONLY reason a man keeps a condom in his wallet because he thinks he might have cause to use it.
But you know it's a generational thing as well. I know a lot of older people who don't go to the doctor until they are practically dying. After all, you don't want to trouble the doctor with your problems, do you?! [sigh]
My father is an alcoholic but that is as far I have heard about anyone in the family. I have a fondness for alcohol and I always joke that if I could afford it, I would be an alcoholic.
ReplyDeleteBe careful what you wish for etc... Thanks dad...
Families... *shaking my head*
Robert: I know that even seeking counseling was not something one "should" do when I was growing up. "oh, they might think you're crazy"...I always wondered who the hell "they" were. They sure have a lot of power over a lot of things!
ReplyDeleteClose your eyes and it isn't really there.
Shove it under the rug and it really didn't happen.
Hey Blondie! I would LOVE to be an alcoholic....at least I'd be a fun one!!!At least that's what "they" told me when I was drunk!!
ReplyDeleteProbably embarassment. I think we grow up thinking that everyone else has a normal family (which, of course, is false), and we don't want anyone to know that ours is not perfect.
ReplyDeleteI think your way is the best way to go. Let the truth of things shine clear. Everybody should be honest with everyone else or else trouble will arise from it, like you suggested. Your family sounds about as fucked up as mine. But we don't keep secrets. We tell on ourselves and sometimes flaunt our bad and evil ways right out in the open. Almost as if we're proud of it. Which is screwed up.
ReplyDeleteAs for myself, I'm an open book. I'm painfully honest, though I won't tell my wife her ass is fat. I think she knows already. That's okay, though. My head and belly are equivalent to the size of the Goodyear Blimp. But who cares?
A cousin's daughter once told me she was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. I told her she didn't bring it on herself, and she should talk about it.
ReplyDeleteHere, mental illness and HIV / AIDS are 'shameful' things. Sad but true.
But then, there are some [well, one person I know], who is so evil, so completely malicious, it's better that this person knows nothing about your life. I never knew someone can be so bad!
Hey M.P. I think some think that it will reflect on you...like you might be a bad person or it's your fault that "something" happened.
ReplyDeleteLOL Kelly, I think you're good to keep that secret from your wife...she might just hit you!! ha
GG I've known some people that will use your honesty against you....that never keeps my mouth shut. I think I remember you talking about the foot in the mouth routine...yeah..mine fits pretty good sometimes!